Its been a long, long time…

Well all sorts of things have been happening since I last wrote.  I wrote in September 2014 and to say that my life has changed dramatically since then would be an understatement.

I have changed jobs, I now work in the city centre and I have finally found the job of my dreams.  I am well paid, well looked after and appreciated.  This is like a miracle!  I have a beautiful office, state of the art equipment and there is never a problem if I want to attend a course etc.  They believe in people, and it shows.  The calibre of people working here is amazing and everyone loves it.  The way I go the job is a miracle all of its own…

On the homefront, we have finally moved from where I lived for three years to a beautiful smallholding.  My drive to the city centre is now about 25 minutes to come in and 35 minutes home.  On this small holding I can breathe, I can live.  We are all happier here, even the cats.  There is a huge workshop attached which means that fiancé can expand the business, which he has done.  We have work scheduled till September, with more coming in all the time. We are financially finally starting to breathe and its an amazing feeling.

I keep on feeling so thankful for our blessings, that we seem to have been faithful with the small things, so now we are being rewarded with the bigger things.

Life is like a dream……

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Long time no post

Well a lot has happened and changed in my life.  I am still happily engaged to my fiance, things have improved slowly and steadily and I feel confident and secure for the first time in years.

I have also….drum roll please, started writing articles for a business website.  In other words, I now get paid to write.  All my dreams coming true, slowly but surely.  I cant give up my day job, but I love it, the money is steady and I get to be creative.  LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!!

Yay, see dreams DO come true 🙂

Miracles do happen

Miracles do happen, even to people like me. In my last blog I wrote about the little web I wove.  Well it caught me, but in the strangest way. He wrote to the “person” I set up on the site, but what he wrote was unexpected.  He wrote that he loved me and that he wanted our relationship to work out, so he would not be corresponding anymore.

Interesting I thought, well anyway, things have gone from good to magical in our household. The man who would not talk about his feelings, who did not care about mine has in the past month done a complete 360. He is caring, attentive, loving and affectionate.  He is putting me first, in all ways.  I could not be happier. I miss the other person who I fell for, I miss him terribly, but I realise he was not meant for me. I have put all my energies and love into my partner and I am getting it back, in spades.  So yes, I am happy.

I run the admin side of his business, which has been steadily and slowly growing since I took over.  Pat on the back to me! I however have a full time job that I love.  Things are now getting bigger and bigger and we have just landed a multi million rand contract.  Yes you read right, multi million.  Very scary shit.  We should be getting it all in writing by next week.  This will mean a MAJOR life style change for all of us.  But me especially.  I will have to give up my badly paid and stressful, but much loved job to work on our business fulltime. I am a 50% partner in the business so the rewards will be plentiful.  I am excited, scared, apprehensive and everything in between.

What is so magical to me is that we reconciled BEFORE we got the news about the big contract and it seems almost like a “gift” for being committed to our relationship.  I know that makes NO sense, but that is how I feel.  So yes, finally, the financial security I have been longing for is coming, not through someone else only, but a joint effort by two people

The Evil Witch…..

I have a mean streak in me. Don’t fuck with me. You will end up losing. Badly
My ex…the person I live with…the person I am trying to build a relationship with is a liar
I know this, I am aware of it, I have been aware of it for a while
The reason I started looking on dating sites was because of his treatment of me and the fact that he was on them
I am sure that he has been unfaithful to me, but I have now been unfaithful to him
we live together and he has actively been pursuing me and “courting” me for the last 2 weeks
he swears that he has changed but I am not so sure
So I was evil…I know what sites he frequents, I set up a profile, he contacted me, I set up a dummy e mail address, he fell for it
Now he is mailing me
This is one hell of a kettle of worms I have opened up!!
But I still cannot be with the one I adore, I have to finish this mess first

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Broken

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I think I am finally learning that I was broken.  I am healing, but there are still parts missing…sort of like when you fix a broken plate and there are a couple of chips out…

Someone special said this to me last night and I have taken this to heart:

“Is this the way you want to live for the rest of your life? Are you truly someone who plans to fail? I don’t think you are actually”

OOOOPPPPSSS….way to close to the bone……..

and then

“I see you trapped, I see you making a trap for yourself. I see your lack of confidence trapping you. I see your prophecies coming true. Shape the future you want, live it and it will happen”

This is SO fundamentally true that I don’t really know how to handle it.

MORE food for thought, for a over analyser like me…going to keep me busy for a while.

Analyse this….

I am a “over thinker”, a closet analyst if you wish.  I analyse everything, mainly to my own detriment. 

I had another meeting this week with the person I have been chatting with non stop.  This meeting went further…much further. I discovered things about myself that I didn’t know, hidden depths, if you want.  Of course I have been analysing this non stop this weekend.  Did I do the right thing by meeting and giving myself so completely?  My answer to that is yes, I did.  I have no regrets about what occurred. I have learnt a lot about myself in the past few months and I am very happy I followed my gut instinct and had another meeting.

He is very special, probably one of the most interesting individuals I have met.  I learn from him, and that to me is the ultimate turn-on. And yes, all boxes are very much ticked. He intrigues me, I would love to know the entire person, scratch away the surface and find the inner core.  Lots and lots of layers there.  Whether I will have the opportunity to do so, I am not sure. He has got through my defences and made me look at myself in a different light.  There are certain things I do NOT discuss, but when He asked me questions, I gushed like a 5 year old.  Which again begs the question, why does He get through to me.  He got further than a lot of psychologists have.

So now I am back to square one…analysing myself, working out WHY I behave as I do, what I am actually seeking.  I have also come to the realisation that being strong is not always right.  I want someone to look after me, to put their arms around me and reassure me that the baddies are not going to kill me. But, and its a big BUT, I need someone who is strong enough in their own character to let me lean on them.  Another question I ask myself is, if I am SO strong, why do I need someone to look after me? Is this another character flaw, another weakness?

Questions, questions

Further on the break up

On the homefront, an amicable (if that’s possible) break up has happened.  We will continue to share the house for a time, we both know we are happier apart.  Very emotional week its been for me.  I had a panic attack at work, haven’t had one for 3 years and realised I had to get it all out immediately.  We had a long discussion, there were tears, but at the end, the reality remained the same.

I just hope that we can remain friends, after all, we were best friends, I still want that.  I will continue to help him in the business and morally support him.  Its difficult, but do able.

 

The end

Well the engagement ring is back in its box….

I have mixed emotions, relief, fear, happiness, regret…

I do know however that I gave this relationship my all, I tried flogging this dead horse for a long time. I do not hate him at all, I am sad that we were not better suited.  I am sad that I lost a year and a half. I am sad that I could not make him happy.  This of course begs the question, if I could not make him happy….what is wrong with me? Am I fundamentally flawed? In this relationship I took the subservient role, I let him be the head of the house, after all that is the way it should be. I did not argue or fight, I was reasonable, mature about agreements because I did not want drama in my life again.   After 2 years with the Russian drama queen (or king) that was enough.I let him get away with murder to keep the peace, anything to keep the peace.  This obviously was not good enough. I warned him right in the beginning, do not treat me like a piece of property, do not ignore me or belittle me. You will kill the love I have for you through this.  He did not believe me. It happened.

So now I sit…another 4 months on my lease, how the hell will I get through this? I want to be mature about it, speak to him, come to a mutual agreement for the next 4 months and then go our own ways.  He could just walk out, take his child and go.  Leave me up shit creek without a paddle.  He is vindictive enough to do this.  He has told me that when he stops loving, its over, dead…I am dead to him.

I need to ask him this…when did he stop loving me and seeing me as a person and where did I go wrong?Image

 

Butterflies

Butterflies, that is what I feel most of the time. 

The rest of the time panic.  It is NOT supposed to happen like this.  I have been speaking to this man for 2 weeks. This man has invaded my thoughts, my mind.  I cannot sleep properly, cannot eat properly.  My mind is constantly in limbo, looking for an escape.  We speak constantly, all day, every day.  I cannot say from his side, but from mine…I live to see the chat message come up.  But all I want is to physically be with him again, to touch to smell to feel. To breathe him in. I can honestly say I have NEVER felt this way.  And I have loved, I have loved deeply, so what the hell is this!!!

I am an analyser.  I analyse EVERYTHING to the nth degree. I cannot for the life of me get to grips with this.  Its not lust, been there, had that. Its this amazing synergy.  This awesome connection, emotional, spiritual, mental and we have not even got to the physical yet.  What will that be like.  F…king FIREWORKS!!!

Then there is the other part of me, the doubter….the person with zero confidence…the little voice in my head that says…you do NOT deserve this.  You are not worthy.  This little voice plays beautiful music in my head, especially at 3 am.

So that is where I am at the moment….still living a lie with my fiancé, and dreaming of being free.  I have made concrete plans though, I am working on the financials, I will go my own way, whether this dalliance works out or not.  Dalliance is not the correct word, but its not an affair…a mental affair perhaps??